3 min 23 sec

Henry Paulson began his career in the Nixon Pentagon in 1970. He then served as assistant to John Ehrlichman from 1972 to 1973.

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Sarah Palin’s flirtations with the secessionist Alaskan Independence Party, and her husband’s membership in the party, don’t mean that the Palins are anti-American. Wanting to secede from the United States is a virtual re-enactment of our own secession from the British empire in 1776 – the ultimate act of patriotism!

Mainstream media and windbags on both sides of the political aisle are in a flurry over retired general Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barack Obama. None of them seem to realize that no average American cares what Colin Powell says about anything.

Powell still commands some nostalgic respect in Washington, however for those who pay attention, Powell is merely the facilitator who went before the U.N. with a briefcase full of nonsense and flushed his credibility down the john.

Conservatives loathe him for his eventual non-support of Bush; Liberals loathe him for his aforementioned malpractice in using his once-estimable reputation to help cheerlead a nation into an unnecessary war.  Independents disregard him for his utter impotence at such an important moment in history.

Who, then, other than the talkers on TV who chatter about Powell, actually care what he says?

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TRANSCRIPT:
Our nation teeters on the brink of financial collapse. Desperate, helpless, with so much potential, yet so close to a terrible, premature ending.

But there is a way to safety. A new war on financial collapse, to keep the serpent of economic ruin at bay.

You see, from the day you were born, we have taken care of you. Fed you when you were hungry. Awakened you from slumber. Vaccinated you against disease. Straightened your teeth when they were crooked.

We put you on the long conveyor belt of life, with all its wacky excitement and close camaraderie. We took such delicate, studious care to determine your path in life: who should work in the factory and who should become educated.

Theres never been a day we havent agonized over your well being. At times we appear fearsome, because of our wealth and might and power.

Yes, you may fear us at times, but wed never do anything to harm you. And now we need your help to fight this new dangerous war on economic collapse.

A perpetual bailout that will be necessary to keep the serpent at bay. You see, there will be more bailouts, they will be constant and ongoing. Financial collapse will never be more than days away.

So when we ask you again for more money, for more bailouts, you will be patriotic and support the bailouts.

Yes, we are wealthy, and yes the bailouts help us remain wealthy, but that is how the system works, and we will plunge into complete chaos otherwise.

We are at the edge of a precipice, still alive, still fighting, but if you dont support our perpetual bailout strategy, it will soon be too late.

There is a tipping point beyond which we can no longer rescue you, and then everything will go dark. So if you see the bailout plan as something hard to swallow, remember that our financial crisis is your fault.

You bought a house you cant afford, youve overused your credit cards, you go out to dinner when you should be home eating rice purchased with coupons clipped diligently from the Sunday paper.

Where were you when things were going wrong? You didnt say a word. Oh, but now youre upset about the bailout. The way an arsonist gets upset that his house has burned down.

Remember, its for your own good. You dont want the nation to turn into a chaotic police state, with the constitution suspended and the government resorting to unnecessary wars in order to rally support and retain power.

You must support perpetual bailout, or surely we all shall perish.

All sensible Republicans are salivating over the possibility that McCain would make an early exit from the oval office, leaving Palin, in all her vapid vanity and helpless glory, to be bent and twisted into the most radical right-wing revision of government imaginable. A PNAC-controlled Palin presidency would make the Bush years look tame by comparison. She could easily be coaxed into bombing Iran, into ground war with Russia, and a pre-emptive nuclear strike on our old cold war foe is not out of the question.

Her record in Alaska indicates she is sufficiently vindictive, eager to abuse power and to ignore any perceived threat from other branches of government, much like our current president, and she eagerly grabs for the next pages of the script faster than we can write them.  Her qualifications are immaculate.

But alas, Sarah Palin has presented a problem.  It is essential for all political puppets to have at least a minimal degree of mental dexterity in order to sustain the ruse that they are calling the shots.  It is becoming more apparent that Palin does not meet this minimum requirement.  She is incapable of conducting an interview, and if John McCain’s erratic lunacy doesn’t derail the campaign, Palin’s glib ignorance quite well could. Her performance with Katie Couric was a horrid stream of unintelligible non-sequiturs one can only hope most voters will never see. But we can’t take that chance.

There are only two options available at this point:  1) cancel her upcoming debate and all future interviews, unless performed on Fox News, or   2) dump her.  The latter appears the most rational choice.  She can claim that she wants to care for her infant and the nation will hail her decision.  We have an array of equally vapid, vain, and pliable candidates from which to choose, including Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney, either of whom would say or do anything to reach higher office, and would very likely say or do anything to stay there.

For the good of the party, Sarah, bow out now, while there’s still time.

Enchanted with the opportunity to cozy up to real-life powerful people, journalists are unable to resist the allure of having powerful friends, and will adjust their coverage accordingly.  With seminal footage of ur-Tire Swinger Holly Bailey.

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Peace is boring. War is exciting. Let’s start a war!

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 Reagan was a good-looking guy in a cowboy hat. The Reagan image is a sham which must be constantly rewritten in order to be successfully exploited.

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